I intentionally stopped posting last spring. I realized that I was not really saying all of the things I wanted to say, that I was censoring myself to take a moderate position. I don't feel this was necessarily a bad thing to do when it comes to relationships and maintaining them, but it was in my eyes disingenuous for a blog. I do not plan on continuing to blog, but I felt that I needed one more post to wrap up the series of posts I started. One that would tie everything together and bring me some closure to what has been a life changing experience.
One of my very first posts was about truth. It was so interesting to see the different opinions, definitions and meanings that others held in regards to truth. I don't feel my definition has changed much, I still see truth as something personal and ever changing for each individual person. I definitely do not believe in a universal truth, at least not one that we know with certainty. It could exist, but I have yet to encounter it. There are definite truths that many of us hold in common, and highly value. Being a kind and compassionate person, for instance. To me, that is a big truth. However, I still feel that truth is different for every one of us. What I know to be true, may be very different from what you know to be true. In my mind, our truths do not cancel each other out. I believe our truths are what compel us to live our lives with integrity, they help us live with direction and purpose. If your truth helps you live to be a better version of yourself everyday, then I think that is a very special and valuable truth that you should cling to.
When I left the church, when I started this journey, this is something I was faced with almost daily. People would tell me that they knew the LDS church was true with all of their heart, and I did not doubt them. This was their truth, a truth I had also lived in what feels like a prior life. However, it was no longer my truth.
I want to clear up things I never said, I want to live my truth boldly, and I want you to understand that I DO NOT expect it to be your truth, and I believe your truths are just as valid and important as mine. I love and respect all of my family members who maintain their LDS beliefs, I know they are all better people because of the church, it propels and motivates them to do wonderful things for each other, strangers, etc. But I also want to make it clear, that leaving the church does not mean I am a bad person.
2015 was a roller coaster ride in the LDS world. We started out the year with an announcement that the church was backing Gay Rights legislation in Utah. Many fringe LDS members, the more liberal like myself (at the time), believed that this was a positive step in the right direction, that perhaps it could pave the way for greater revelations regarding our LGBTQA members. During general conference in the spring, we saw the any opposed movement take a stand and use doctrinally supported methods of dissension. This was really the time I went radio silent. I felt a kindred spirit to these opposed members, I was so proud of them for their courage, they had walked a path similar to mine. I saw how much hatred they received from mainstream members, and I just knew that my path out of the church was being sealed. I realized that day, even if I hadn't fully admitted or comprehended it, that people like me were not wanted.
Over the next few months there were excommunications, and rumors of excommunications. I asked to be released from my calling. I stopped attending church and ward activities altogether. I love my neighborhood, and the members here, but I couldn't bring myself to be involved in a church way. I did not belong, in my mind I had done and felt and acted in the same way as all the people I knew who had been excommunicated. I had doubted, I had openly dissented and rebelled against certain doctrines, I wanted change in the church.
The nail in the coffin came in November, the "policy" on children of gay members, the mandate to excommunicate all actively gay members, that pushed me over the edge. I was so angry at the church, at its members for being complacent. I was in a bad place. I said nothing, aside from posting a suicide hotline link on my page for struggling members. I had ended my formal anger stage months before this. I had gotten to a good a place, and this just brought me reeling back, but this time I was angry at the people of the church, not just the institution. I realized this was unhealthy. I did not want to feel this way toward good people who were just living the truths they firmly believe in.
I still go back and forth about this issue in particular, in regards of whether to be more outspoken and abrasive with people who have a different truth than me. I am saddened that children have taken their lives because of how they feel rejected by the church. My truth is that this policy is not from God, I believe with everything I am made of that this policy is wrong, it is so harmful and it has no place in a church ruled by Christ. There has been argument over the numbers released by the Mama Dragons organization about the number of LDS youth who have committed suicide over this policy. I could care less the actual number. I believe if even one child has taken their life over this policy, that is one too many, and I find it shameful. I find it despicable that the church continues to defend this policy, that they now brazenly call a revelation. Jesus preached leaving the fold for the one sheep, he was a man who believed every life mattered, that every child should come unto him. This policy is the antithesis of his example and his gospel.
This is my truth, it doesn't have to be yours, but I am tired of keeping it to myself. It needed to be released, it needed to be said. I love my LDS family, I love my LDS neighbors and friends. You are all good people, and like most other people in this world, you are doing the best you can every day to live a good life. I will never take that away from you, if the church is what makes you a better person, then I encourage you to live that truth. For me, the church did not make me a better person, especially at the end. The more I tried to carve a place for me in it, the less I found I had to give. It was an unhealthy relationship, one that only caused me mental and emotional anguish. By stepping away, by leaving, I am able to lay that behind me. In the end, I realized I wanted to allow my family to love their religion, without having to hear my two cents every time a policy, statement, conference talk, etc. was released that I disagreed with. By making the final decision that the church is not the place for me, I hope to allow my family that space, and not let these things affect me. I am no longer part of the faith, so I no longer need to contribute or make my opinion known. Many will disagree with this approach, both members and non-members. This is the truth I have to live, it is the best way I know to handle the situation for myself and those around me.
My truth, is that I am a better person now. I live more fully, I love more deeply. I find more time for service and friendship. I am the same person I was before I left, but improved. I am a little bit quieter now, more introspective. I try to listen harder and say less, soaking in the world and people around me. I try to live each day as fully as possible, because I no longer know if there is another life out there waiting for me in the eternities. The only certainty I know is today, and it is so strangely beautiful to live each day with such fierce purpose and intention, knowing that it is all you have. I strive to improve my little world and community more than I did before, because I no longer believe God will just fix everything for me, it is up to me to make those changes if I want the world to be better.
My truth is different from yours. My truth is that I do not believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I do not consider myself a member, and I do not participate in that organization anymore. Just because I do not believe, does not mean I think you shouldn't. I do not think you are less than or stupid, I do not think I am superior. I believe we are all living the best lives we can. Many have told me that I will return to the church one day, I think this is something people have to believe when they believe in a universal truth, that others will see it too, even if it takes times. I do not operate in the world of absolutes anymore, that is what I used to do as a member, and I am changed now, so, that said, nothing is out of the realm of possibility, but what I do know is that I will never again force myself to abandon or modify things that I know to be true, be it through cognitive dissonance or intentional mental gymnastics. If I ever decide to rejoin the church, it will be because it has become a place where I find my truth resonates, where I can continue to live and be this new and improved version of myself, and where I can say things like, "this new revelation is damaging and wrong, and it is not of God,"without backlash, without excommunication, without fear.
Live your truth. Live a life you can truly be proud of. I think that is what I have learned the most from this two year journey out of the LDS faith, and that is how I would like to leave this blog, with that final message.
No comments:
Post a Comment