We ran out of time so quickly, and I had a few more questions, and I am sure you all did too. I thought perhaps we could use this forum to ask and answer each others questions. These relate to Chapter 4 in the Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson manual
1. How do you quantify and measure happiness? What do you correlate happiness to? We are often taught that the gospel is the only way to true happiness, and that by living the principles of the gospel we will find happiness. I have always generally understood that this meant in the next life and not necessarily this life, were others taught the same? Or do you feel that living the gospel means you will be happy in this life? Is living the gospel, in your opinion, the only way to happiness? These were some of the questions that came up in my mind during today's Relief Society lesson. I see many happy, and unhappy people, both religious and secular. A religious or secular paradigm does not seem to be what causes happiness or unhappiness outright, it is much more than that. What are the things that make you happy, and do you believe it is more our attitude than anything?
2. We are taught that faith without works is dead, can we say the same of the inverse: Works without Faith is dead? We are taught those without knowledge of the plan will have the opportunity to learn about and accept it in the afterlife, but what about those of us who already had the knowledge and lost our ability to believe in it? By continuing to be good people who follow the commandments are we still able to obtain Celestial Glory, or are we less than because we could not believe, even though we continued to be good people?
3. In studying for this lesson, I went to this link on LDS living: http://ldsliving.com/story/77704-teachings-of-ezra-taft-benson-lesson-4-living-joyfully-in-troubled-times. Here they make the following statement: "The only reason for unhappiness is sin." I know this goes along with question one, but I really wanted to drill down to this one thought because I do not agree with it, but perhaps that goes back to how you define happiness? I think that there are many who suffer in our world and are genuinely unhappy because of forces they have no control over. I am thinking war, famine, disease, etc. I feel that by saying the only reason you are able to be unhappy is if you sin is a bit demeaning to these people who suffer from unhappiness because of the issues I listed, and others. Thoughts?
4. Next I wanted to discuss this from the last section of the lesson: "There is no happiness
when you fail to live according to your convictions, according to that which you know to be right." This is one of my Catch-22's with Mormonism. That which I know to be right, the truth right now, is often in direct confrontation with what I am sometimes taught in church. I know this goes along with our post/discussion on truth, but to me, what I know to be right isn't always in line with the gospel. Does anyone else ever feel this way? How do I live my convictions if they are not in line with the gospel, what if what I vehemently feel to be right is in direct opposition to something the church stands for?
5. Lastly, I wanted to discuss this closing statement from the lesson: "We will never be alone if we live as we should, because our Father will always be with us to bless us. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to achieve the good goals we set. He will do His part if we do our part." Success can be defined in many different ways, and so can good goals, but I feel so often that we mold these definitions to prove our hypothesis regardless of the outcome. If a man is faithful and poor his whole life, we just say he was successful in other ways, or perhaps if our goals are not obtained we say they were not righteous or good by God's standards. If a man is successful all his life and happens to be a member we automatically want to hold him as an example of receiving the promised blessings, even though his success may have nothing to do with it. Regardless of if the outcome is A or B we always say that the outcome points to proof of our beliefs. This concept has been driving me crazy lately, literally. This idea is making me feel like a mad woman because I cannot buy it. I cannot believe that literally, regardless of the outcome, that it points to proof of this religion being true, which is what my quest is right now. It seems to me that God would want nulls in the hypothesis so we could know with certainty of his existence, of his plan. But I feel so often that there is no room for nulls in Mormonism. I feel God would not make belief and knowledge of him this hard, a loving earthly father would make things as easy as possible for his children to find him, to know him, to fully believe and comprehend him, and I feel that a heavenly father would do the same. Too often I find myself seeing the lack of these nulls, these absolutes in Mormonism, that everyone is able to believe without issue, and I feel like I must be nutty for not being able to see it the same way. I think all the time about the statements in the scripture that talk about asking for a sign and how it is such an awful thing to do, and I think, am I asking for a sign because I want to know? Is that why I am not being given an answer. Then the other side of me says, no, we are taught any man who asks will have the answers given to him. So why not me? I know people are able to live for years without answers to their questions, but I do not think I am that person. I can feel myself reaching a breaking point, where I need something answered, something to make sense. Because not having these answers is making me unhappy in the church. Am I not doing my part enough that he will do his? I was just promised in this lesson that very thing, and yet, it does not happen for me, and I feel that a Heavenly Father would know me well enough to know I am reaching my limit, when is he going to reach out and give me the answer? Does he not love me enough to give me what I need to continue on? You see all these questions and paradoxes that arise in my mind just from this one statement? Church is very hard when you have a brain like mine :)
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Separation of Church and State, Gay Rights, and other musings
This last week has been a crazy one. Trying to get last minute January tax items done for clients, working on rounding up 1099 information (socials and addresses so my clients can send out this tax form) and then taking care of sick babies. I also had something going on every night, someone to visit teach almost every day, fun activities to participate in, and then at the end of the week my mom came in to town and wanted to play, so I apologize for the long absence.
So much has happened this last week, but the biggest thing that I have been thinking a lot about is the LDS Church press conference held this last week. When I heard they had called one, I thought for sure they would be announcing that they were doing away with temple marriages. By that, I mean, that it has been a rumor for well over a year now that the church will be adopting similar marriage protocols to what they already have in Europe. Basically, you get a civil marriage, and then the next day you go and get sealed in the temple. Makes perfect sense to me, and seems like a fairly good way to resolve the issue of gay marriage and gay rights and how they would possibly infringe on the LDS faith. Instead, the press conference was something quite different, although a tad related I suppose.
In all honesty, I am quite uncertain about how I feel about this release. First, I feel it is somewhat redundant, as the LDS Church has said many times that they support basic liberties and freedoms for all. It seems obvious that all people should be entitled to housing, jobs, etc. I also feel it is redundant and unnecessary to ask for religious freedom to be protected. It is part of our countries First Amendment rights, and anyone who is worried about those being overridden need only look to the recent Hobby Lobby court rulings to realize that those rights are very much intact. I do not foresee at any point in the near future where religion and state cannot still abide in their separate spheres, and I personally think they should stay that way, which is the major reasons for my confusion about how I feel. Whenever the LDS Church makes any form of political standing, be it major like with Proposition 8, or minor, like I feel Wednesday's events were, I get a bit uncomfortable.
I feel that overall, the LDS Church does a fantastic job keeping church and state separate. The leaders do their best to encourage citizenship and voting among the members, but I personally have felt undertones of pressure to think and act a certain way that I am not always comfortable with, morally or spiritually. I have heard lots of dissenting views on what the agenda or lack thereof of this press conference was. I am going to list a few that I have heard, and would love to hear how any of you felt about the news. I will start with my own views, what I can decipher now anyway, and then delve into some different ones than my own:
MY VIEW
I feel that the Church is trying to make progress here, however, it still feels a bit unrealistic and hypocritical to me to ask for and deny rights at the same time. Someone made the point that if you interjected any other sub-group name (black, jewish, mormon, etc.) as a substitute for LGBT that the country would be up in arms over the statements. I re-read the press conference manuscript doing this very thing and felt there was a valid point. It seemed to me to echo of a 1950's version of America, where blacks were no longer slaves but very much still second class citizens. Many people feel that the LGBT movement is our days civil rights movement, and I very much have to agree there. I understand many will disagree with me, perhaps opting for the opinion that the sanctity of marriage is our days civil rights movement or fight, and that those who fight for traditional marriage are being oppressed. However, my opinion on this has always been that the fight for traditional marriage died long ago. That may be a post for another day, but the gist of my feelings on this is that the divorce rate is absurd, that single mothers far outnumber married mothers in our country, and that straight individuals were the first to desecrate the sanctity of marriage. We took it for granted. If it was so sacred, we should have fought that battle the last five decades, but we didn't. Today, marriage seems to have an entirely different meaning, but like I said, perhaps a topic for another day. The truth is, Gay Marriage is being legalized in every state, the court precedence has been set, and as much as people may hate to admit it, it is here to stay. I feel that the LDS Church would have used their time much better on Wednesday to make the announcement I had anticipated they would, that there were no longer going to be Temple Marriages, but Temple Sealings. It provides the perfect loop hole for the church to not discriminate against any kind of marriage. As far as civil marriages go, I understand what the church is trying to do in providing a barrier for bishops who may be uncomfortable in performing a gay marriage. You want to know my honest opinion on this? Most of the bishops I have had the pleasure of meeting are kind and compassionate people. I think almost any of them would happily perform a civil marriage for any couple, regardless of their sexual orientation. And for those who would not be? Well, I think that would resolve itself. Honestly, think about it. People want their wedding day to be special, and filled with love. Would they choose someone to officiate the most special and momentous day of their marriage who was uncomfortable with their lifestyle? NO! Heavens no! I can think of a few of my friends who had civil marriages, and they carefully selected their officiator, even interviewing 5 different people for the job before settling on the person who seemed to be the right fit, the person who would set the right tone for the day. So overall, I was confused by the conference, although you will see below in "The Outcome" section that I think the church was trying to help, but it didn't seem to carry the weight they hoped it would, at least not in Idaho. I would love to hear some of your opinions on what you thought the leaders were trying to achieve with this unusual conference, and also your thoughts on the announcement itself.
THE LOVERS
These are comments I have heard from many faithful members of the LDS faith and how they perceived the conference. There was obviously, as I titled this section, a great deal of love, excitement and consent. Many felt the church was extremely gracious in providing more direction on their opinions of current events, and that great love and compassion to those in the LGBT community. The conference was extremely fair for both parties, acknowledging that everyone deserves their freedoms, and that a balance needs to be struck between the rights of the gay community and the religious community. Many felt the church was strong and courageous for making these statements, because, as you will see from "The Haters" section below, many people still find the churches stance on the issue outdated, but the main thing I saw from "The Lovers" of the press release all seemed to echo that the church continues to be the leader in the fight for traditional and God sanctioned marriage, and that there is a way to show love and compassion to all, without yielding to the misguided ways of the world.
THE HATERS
There was also a lot of outrage after the press release. This group is a much larger group, including most major media outlets. The headlines from The New York Times, USA Today, CNN, The Huffington Post, Salt Lake Tribune, etc. all reeked with sarcasm and spite. For me, a journalism major, I sometimes have a hard time with journalism that obviously contains opinion rather than simply reporting from a place of unbiased observance. I understand how hard that can be, since we all come with our own perceptions that make us unbiased regardless of how hard we try, but these headlines really lacked effort to conceal the authors opinions of the press release. The major thread of these articles was that this move is still outdated, and that the church is oppressive. Some of the outlets went so far as to use the word "bigot" in their articles, which seemed really over the line to me. Something else that I saw struck a note with many of "the haters" was this quote from Elder Oaks: 'I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,' Oaks said in an interview. 'We sometimes look back on issues and say, 'Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,' but we look forward and not backward.' The church doesn't 'seek apologies,' he said, 'and we don't give them.' I found many people creating memes around this theme of apologies. One cartoon created showed a man in a temple recommend interview saying "he looks back, not forward, and does not apologize for his sins." I found this statement created some struggle within me as well, as I feel that the churches essays on Blacks and the Priesthood pretty much explained the entire issue away by apologizing and saying that it was never doctrine, simply the misguided practices of men. So I had a hard time hearing that the church doesn't apologize, when I feel it clearly has a precedence for doing so. Also, I do feel that it is a hard place to argue from when Gay Marriage is legal. I think of our articles of faith and being subjects and law abiding citizens. At what point do we obey the law, since it is the law. There seem to be many Catch-22 situations for me within Mormonism. Overall, I felt that both the lovers and the haters had valid points, and rational arguments. Hence even more reason for the dissonance I have experienced within myself the last few days.
THE OUTCOME
So, what was the point? What do you think? I think that it is interesting that on Friday the Idaho legislature, which includes several LDS members, had one of these very bills placed before them (a bill providing the kind of rights the church is advocating) and it was voted down. So, perhaps there is more reason for it than even I could have anticipated prior to the announcement. Perhaps our church leaders know more about the political environment in our conservative states than we do, and I do believe that. Perhaps they saw that these kinds of bills in vastly conservative states are struggling to pass without the help and advocacy of the judiciary branch of the government (Gay Marriage would never have been legalized without court rulings in many states across the country). So perhaps the LDS church is more progressive than I give it credit for sometimes. It makes me glad to know that they are trying their best to show support and back a bill. It also makes me kind of glad to know that people are still voting the way they feel they need to, even if it is counterproductive to what I think should happen.
So, what do you think? Was the Church just trying to back some bills they saw would fail without some assistance? Is it even the place of religion to intervene on matters like these? At what point are we crossing the line between separation of Church and State? Do you think that separation of these two entities is even possible?
So much has happened this last week, but the biggest thing that I have been thinking a lot about is the LDS Church press conference held this last week. When I heard they had called one, I thought for sure they would be announcing that they were doing away with temple marriages. By that, I mean, that it has been a rumor for well over a year now that the church will be adopting similar marriage protocols to what they already have in Europe. Basically, you get a civil marriage, and then the next day you go and get sealed in the temple. Makes perfect sense to me, and seems like a fairly good way to resolve the issue of gay marriage and gay rights and how they would possibly infringe on the LDS faith. Instead, the press conference was something quite different, although a tad related I suppose.
In all honesty, I am quite uncertain about how I feel about this release. First, I feel it is somewhat redundant, as the LDS Church has said many times that they support basic liberties and freedoms for all. It seems obvious that all people should be entitled to housing, jobs, etc. I also feel it is redundant and unnecessary to ask for religious freedom to be protected. It is part of our countries First Amendment rights, and anyone who is worried about those being overridden need only look to the recent Hobby Lobby court rulings to realize that those rights are very much intact. I do not foresee at any point in the near future where religion and state cannot still abide in their separate spheres, and I personally think they should stay that way, which is the major reasons for my confusion about how I feel. Whenever the LDS Church makes any form of political standing, be it major like with Proposition 8, or minor, like I feel Wednesday's events were, I get a bit uncomfortable.
I feel that overall, the LDS Church does a fantastic job keeping church and state separate. The leaders do their best to encourage citizenship and voting among the members, but I personally have felt undertones of pressure to think and act a certain way that I am not always comfortable with, morally or spiritually. I have heard lots of dissenting views on what the agenda or lack thereof of this press conference was. I am going to list a few that I have heard, and would love to hear how any of you felt about the news. I will start with my own views, what I can decipher now anyway, and then delve into some different ones than my own:
MY VIEW
I feel that the Church is trying to make progress here, however, it still feels a bit unrealistic and hypocritical to me to ask for and deny rights at the same time. Someone made the point that if you interjected any other sub-group name (black, jewish, mormon, etc.) as a substitute for LGBT that the country would be up in arms over the statements. I re-read the press conference manuscript doing this very thing and felt there was a valid point. It seemed to me to echo of a 1950's version of America, where blacks were no longer slaves but very much still second class citizens. Many people feel that the LGBT movement is our days civil rights movement, and I very much have to agree there. I understand many will disagree with me, perhaps opting for the opinion that the sanctity of marriage is our days civil rights movement or fight, and that those who fight for traditional marriage are being oppressed. However, my opinion on this has always been that the fight for traditional marriage died long ago. That may be a post for another day, but the gist of my feelings on this is that the divorce rate is absurd, that single mothers far outnumber married mothers in our country, and that straight individuals were the first to desecrate the sanctity of marriage. We took it for granted. If it was so sacred, we should have fought that battle the last five decades, but we didn't. Today, marriage seems to have an entirely different meaning, but like I said, perhaps a topic for another day. The truth is, Gay Marriage is being legalized in every state, the court precedence has been set, and as much as people may hate to admit it, it is here to stay. I feel that the LDS Church would have used their time much better on Wednesday to make the announcement I had anticipated they would, that there were no longer going to be Temple Marriages, but Temple Sealings. It provides the perfect loop hole for the church to not discriminate against any kind of marriage. As far as civil marriages go, I understand what the church is trying to do in providing a barrier for bishops who may be uncomfortable in performing a gay marriage. You want to know my honest opinion on this? Most of the bishops I have had the pleasure of meeting are kind and compassionate people. I think almost any of them would happily perform a civil marriage for any couple, regardless of their sexual orientation. And for those who would not be? Well, I think that would resolve itself. Honestly, think about it. People want their wedding day to be special, and filled with love. Would they choose someone to officiate the most special and momentous day of their marriage who was uncomfortable with their lifestyle? NO! Heavens no! I can think of a few of my friends who had civil marriages, and they carefully selected their officiator, even interviewing 5 different people for the job before settling on the person who seemed to be the right fit, the person who would set the right tone for the day. So overall, I was confused by the conference, although you will see below in "The Outcome" section that I think the church was trying to help, but it didn't seem to carry the weight they hoped it would, at least not in Idaho. I would love to hear some of your opinions on what you thought the leaders were trying to achieve with this unusual conference, and also your thoughts on the announcement itself.
THE LOVERS
These are comments I have heard from many faithful members of the LDS faith and how they perceived the conference. There was obviously, as I titled this section, a great deal of love, excitement and consent. Many felt the church was extremely gracious in providing more direction on their opinions of current events, and that great love and compassion to those in the LGBT community. The conference was extremely fair for both parties, acknowledging that everyone deserves their freedoms, and that a balance needs to be struck between the rights of the gay community and the religious community. Many felt the church was strong and courageous for making these statements, because, as you will see from "The Haters" section below, many people still find the churches stance on the issue outdated, but the main thing I saw from "The Lovers" of the press release all seemed to echo that the church continues to be the leader in the fight for traditional and God sanctioned marriage, and that there is a way to show love and compassion to all, without yielding to the misguided ways of the world.
THE HATERS
There was also a lot of outrage after the press release. This group is a much larger group, including most major media outlets. The headlines from The New York Times, USA Today, CNN, The Huffington Post, Salt Lake Tribune, etc. all reeked with sarcasm and spite. For me, a journalism major, I sometimes have a hard time with journalism that obviously contains opinion rather than simply reporting from a place of unbiased observance. I understand how hard that can be, since we all come with our own perceptions that make us unbiased regardless of how hard we try, but these headlines really lacked effort to conceal the authors opinions of the press release. The major thread of these articles was that this move is still outdated, and that the church is oppressive. Some of the outlets went so far as to use the word "bigot" in their articles, which seemed really over the line to me. Something else that I saw struck a note with many of "the haters" was this quote from Elder Oaks: 'I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,' Oaks said in an interview. 'We sometimes look back on issues and say, 'Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,' but we look forward and not backward.' The church doesn't 'seek apologies,' he said, 'and we don't give them.' I found many people creating memes around this theme of apologies. One cartoon created showed a man in a temple recommend interview saying "he looks back, not forward, and does not apologize for his sins." I found this statement created some struggle within me as well, as I feel that the churches essays on Blacks and the Priesthood pretty much explained the entire issue away by apologizing and saying that it was never doctrine, simply the misguided practices of men. So I had a hard time hearing that the church doesn't apologize, when I feel it clearly has a precedence for doing so. Also, I do feel that it is a hard place to argue from when Gay Marriage is legal. I think of our articles of faith and being subjects and law abiding citizens. At what point do we obey the law, since it is the law. There seem to be many Catch-22 situations for me within Mormonism. Overall, I felt that both the lovers and the haters had valid points, and rational arguments. Hence even more reason for the dissonance I have experienced within myself the last few days.
THE OUTCOME
So, what was the point? What do you think? I think that it is interesting that on Friday the Idaho legislature, which includes several LDS members, had one of these very bills placed before them (a bill providing the kind of rights the church is advocating) and it was voted down. So, perhaps there is more reason for it than even I could have anticipated prior to the announcement. Perhaps our church leaders know more about the political environment in our conservative states than we do, and I do believe that. Perhaps they saw that these kinds of bills in vastly conservative states are struggling to pass without the help and advocacy of the judiciary branch of the government (Gay Marriage would never have been legalized without court rulings in many states across the country). So perhaps the LDS church is more progressive than I give it credit for sometimes. It makes me glad to know that they are trying their best to show support and back a bill. It also makes me kind of glad to know that people are still voting the way they feel they need to, even if it is counterproductive to what I think should happen.
So, what do you think? Was the Church just trying to back some bills they saw would fail without some assistance? Is it even the place of religion to intervene on matters like these? At what point are we crossing the line between separation of Church and State? Do you think that separation of these two entities is even possible?
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Realizing our blessings
Too often we do not realize the blessings we have until they are gone. I am grateful for social media for always making me aware or bringing to light blessings that I have that I had never stopped to truly think about. For instance, I watched a video a few months back, and despite my best efforts have not been able to find it again. I wanted to post it here, so if anyone knows where to find a link, please share it.
The video basically went like this: A question was posed about whether or not you think you are a good person. It talked about recycling, and I believe a few other things. The tone of the video is very sarcastic, as the video delved into things that we do on a daily basis that would be completely unbelievable to someone in a third world country. For instance, we have a tap, that produces fresh clean water on command. We then let that water run over our dirty dishes to clean them, and that fresh, beautiful water goes right down the drain. Same concept with toilets, ha ha, we have bowls full of fresh water and we spoil it and flush it.
The video really touched me, I had honestly never truly thought about these luxuries and how they would appear to someone in another country.
Water is such a precious commodity in our world, but we have unlimited access to it in our country. Even when we hear of droughts or water shortages in our area, it seems that we go on with life pretending that nothing is wrong, at least I know I am guilty of this.
Some young girls in Africa have to walk miles to get their water for the day. Many of them do this at risk to themselves, getting attacked and raped along the way. But water is our life source, and so they make this sacrifice, for themselves and for their families. What if our water came at such a cost?
And it is not just water, we are blessed with food, all around us. I think how I can look in my fridge and pantry and come away going, "There is nothing to eat." What a fool I am! I am a king! If I need something, I can get in my car, drive a mile down the road and buy almost anything at the store. One of my pet peeves is when people do not get a doggy bag at a restaurant. I know, such a stupid pet peeve, but it bothers me when food is wasted. We are just so lucky, I wish there was some way to stick those unwanted leftovers in a sci-fi transporting machine and deliver it instantaneously to someone in need.
The list goes on and on. I was inspired over the last few years by Malala, and the sacrifices she has made to stand up for rights to education for females in the Middle East. I have taken my education so for granted, even begrudging it from time to time. If only our children could understand what a precious commodity the ability to read is, or to do basic arithmetic. People all over the world would give anything to have access to our educational system.
My life is so immensely blessed. It would take me too long to write all of those things down here on this blog, but one of my new years resolutions is to challenge myself to see those blessings, and to take stock, and give back. I am trying to keep a gratitude journal, something I did as a child with my family but have long since neglected. I would like to challenge each of you to do the same. Being grateful for what we have will make us happier. I know this to be true. I have seen it work in my own life, it seems basic right?
I would also like to know of more ways I can give back, but sometimes feel at a loss as to how to do that, so if anyone has any good ideas to share, PLEASE, share them with me. It would mean so much to me if you would, and I know there are other people out there who would like these resources as well.
One last thought on this. While I know that others in this world are in more impoverished conditions than myself, I also know they have many things they are grateful for too, and many may even be happier than us at times, due to their ability to appreciate the simple things they have. They also probably know better than we do what is important. We have so much we easily lose sight of what things matter. I remember a few months ago talking to Scott about all the money I wanted to spend on improving our house. All of these things would be to beautify our house, not make it more sturdy or fix any major damage. I paused and thought to myself, "What a silly way to spend the immense wealth I have been given (this is not meant to sound like I am rich, just that compared to people who live in tin shacks, I have so much)." I try my best to realize how silly I am sometimes in my needs and wants, and what things I truly need to be happy. Sometimes my pursuit of these less than worthy things get in the way of what I should be focusing on.
So, I have one last request. Do any of you have good ways that you help yourself stay focused on the important things? I am thinking along the lines of some motto or sign you look at daily, maybe a sticky note reminder on your mirror, or a rubber band you wear on your wrist to snap when you think ungrateful thoughts? I would love to know your tips and tricks for staying focused on your blessings.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Powerful Words and My Mormon Story
Words have power. Ask any literary genius and they would tell you the same. Words have the power to change the most stubborn of minds. They have the power to form world changing ideas and start revolutions. Our words also have the ability to tear a person down and hurt them more than we could in almost any other way. I have heard it takes five good things said about a person to make up for one bad thing said, because people remember and cling to negative things more easily, it just stings more. I apologize, I have no reference for this, so feel free to look it up and correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds right in my head :)
The other night, when I was almost asleep, my phone went off. I had received a message. Now you don't need to know who it was from, or the specifics of the message, but what those words said hurt me. I knew that in revealing my sincere feelings and struggles I may not always receive kindness in return, and I still do not expect to, but it was a good reminder to me that I need to be careful with my words as well. I apologize if anything I say offends, and I want you to call me on the floor if I cross the line between discussing and pondering different ideas and paradigms, to directly insulting or criticizing who a person is. That message, and those words, hurt. I couldn't think about anything else for the next day. Now, I am sure that the sender had the noblest of intentions, and thought they were being helpful, and so I did my best to reply in a kind and sincere manner, expressing gratitude for their concern, but also being firm in my reply that I did not agree with what they had said, but that I still appreciated them. I know there were other things I could or may have wanted to say, but I knew they would not help the situation, they would only fuel it.
I reiterate what I said in my first post, and my post last Tuesday. We all are very different people with very different life frameworks. I want to make it clear, right here, and right now, not just for you, but for the person who wrote me that message, that I did not choose who I am today any more than I can choose the color of my eyes. I am who I am at this point, I cannot rewind the clock, I cannot change who I am. I also want you to know, I did not choose to lose my testimony. I am fighting extremely hard on a daily basis to try and continue on this journey without one, hoping that one day I can maybe gain something back.
I interact with individuals who have left the LDS faith on a daily basis. Some of them are my closest and dearest friends. When they were in their most fragile states, like me, they needed love and compassion and Christ-like understanding. What most of them received, and what I received the other night, were not helpful. They received harsh words telling them their lives were going to be miserable and unhappy if they did not repent. Most of them, like myself, have nothing to repent for, and most of them are happy. They live good lives, and are good people.
I know none of us have been unscathed by the last few years. By that I mean that people are leaving the church in droves. Don't believe me? Just think of the loved ones in your lives and how many of them have left. I can think of 15 people, yes, 15, who 10 years ago were all active and faithful members. Elder Marlin K Jensen said, "Maybe since Kirtland, we've never had a period of - I'll call it apostasy - like we're having now." Ever heard of the Swedish Rescue Mission? Google it. There was such a widespread issue in the stakes in Sweden that they sent two general authorities over to have a fireside with all of the stake presidents and bishops of the region to address historical and doctrinal issues.
I know many who read this blog have never listened to John Dehlin, but one of his podcasts may be helpful, and I am going to reference it. It was called, "Top 5 myths and truths about why committed Mormons leave the church." I am just going to summarize below, but if you want more detail, go check out that particular podcast, it was made for members to help understand why their friends and family are falling away. He surveyed over 3000 disaffected Mormons to ask them why they left, and in my experience in talking to others, these same items held true, and they hold true with why I am having my faith crisis as well. John Dehlin did this survey with members of the general authorities, and his data was presented to the 1st presidency. This survey is one of the reasons, not the only one, but one of the reasons, why we have the new essays on LDS.org.
THE MYTHS
THE TRUTHS
It has also not been my intention to turn this blog into another LDS/Spiritual blog, but that is the direction the last few discussions have led us. I still intend to focus on my original intentions of simply creating a space of acceptance and discussion of several ideas, but I have realized that many people are going to need to know where I am coming from, and a huge part of me is the LDS church. So, here is my story.
I had been a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for 26 years before I had my faith crisis. I relished giving talks in sacrament, I loved teaching as gospel doctrine teacher, I loved being a relief society teacher and secretary. I planned on serving a mission until I met Scott, and then stopped the processing of my papers to marry him instead. I was the first of my age group to get my Personal Progress completed, at the age of 15. I went to the temple to do baptisms often, and in college tried to go and do that regularly with friends. I tried to baptisms in several different temples in Utah one summer, successfully doing 7 in 2 weeks. When Scott and I were first married we would go to the temple every other week. Whenever he and I got in a fight, that is where I would go by myself to calm down and think. When we had kids it got harder to go to the temple, but I still made it there every other month. I have read the Book of Mormon cover to cover 5 times in my life, but read it and studied it nightly. I would study it from the Book of Mormon Sunday School class study guide and cross reference other scriptures. I would find Conference Talks that matched the section of the Book of Mormon I was currently studying. I had a thirst for spiritual knowledge and did everything I could to continue to build on that.
Last spring, in my continued thirst for knowledge, I read the book "Rough Stone Rolling," which is sold at Deseret Book, definitely not Anti-Mormon literature. There were items in that book that disturbed me, things that I had definitely never been taught, and things that showed that certain things I had been taught had actually not transpired that way. I was shocked, but tried to make sure that these items weren't being exaggerated. I then went to LDS.org and The Joseph Smith Papers to reference things I had read, and was heartbroken to realize that the items I had read in the book were true. It is funny, because some people can read the same book and be so uplifted, but for me, a person who Honesty and Integrity had been so important to, these untruths were unbearable. The thirteenth article of faith was my life creed. It still is, I am still a GOOD PERSON. I still follow every single thing I would have when I was a complete and faithful believer, nothing has changed except my testimony and struggling. Even if this journey eventually leads me out of the church like so many before me, I will still be the same person I am today, nothing will have changed. This is a scary thought for me, and a scary thought for those who love me I am sure, but it is still a possible looming outcome, and I don't think it does anyone any good to pretend that it isn't one of the 2 options that are down the road for me.
So, for me, John's study is extremely pertinent, I have struggled because of Truths 1 and 3. BUT, despite my struggling, I remain a member of the church. I have a calling that I love, a ward full of members that I love and who have been so wonderful and supportive of me in my journey, and a husband that supports my decision to stay even though he has no desire to. I want my children to be able to decide for themselves, and I love that Grayson gets so excited to go to Nursery. I believe that having a faith is important. That will never change. I believe there is a God who loves me and cares about me. I also believe he loves and cares for all his children, but that bad things happen, and that is just life. I DO NOT believe that my lack of faith will cause me to be miserable and punished by God. He knows that I love him and I am doing everything I can to seek him. People seem to expect me to be unhappy and miserable right now, but honestly, I have never felt happier. My husband and I have never had a stronger marriage. I have never been able to take each day and enjoy it for what it was as well as I have been able to this last year. While I still go to church, I am also branching out and trying other religions and ideas as well. I want to be a spiritual person, I want a relationship with God, and I need to test all avenues and make sure I am doing all I can to seek him.
I hope that this clears some things up for my well intended messenger the other night.
I also hope that this can help us all remember that our words are powerful, and before we use them in harsh or critical ways, we should probably know exactly who our audience is, or else we will be doing more harm than good.
Your other friends and family members who are struggling might not have the same story as me, but their story is still important, and worth knowing. Hearing their words, will help you in the use of yours. Your words will have more power and influence if you can understand your audience.
John Dehlin will probably be excommunicated from the church on Saturday. This is a disheartening turn of events for me, because he has been a lifeline for me through my struggles. His website www.staylds.org was a place I could go when I did not feel like I had anyone else to talk to. I do not know if I would be fighting as hard as I am to resolve my issues if it weren't for him. Whatever your feelings and opinions for him are, please know he has touched many lives, and I am so grateful for him and the work he has done.
Use your words carefully. Words like I heard the other night won't help me get to my destination any further, at least not to the one I hope to end up at. Before you judge another person, get to know them, know their story, and use your words in a Christ-like way.
You will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar ;)
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:
Please no one worry that they were the person who sent this message. It doesn't matter who sent it, and it does not matter what the message was. Please also understand that their words hurt, but they did not offend, and I still love the sender, and forgive them for what they said, even when I am sure they were trying to convey something else. Anyway, That was NOT the point of this post. This post was to remind us all that our words can hurt each other, to also show you where I am coming from as a person, and lastly, to help show that if you know a person's back story, you may treat them differently. You may not always be in a position to know a person's back story, but even if we do not have those details, we can still always try to assume that people are doing their best and trying to come from a place of love. I do not know the entire back story of the person who messaged me, but I did my best to apply my own advice when I responded to their message. I assumed they were coming from a place of love, and despite my hurt I tried to respond in a kind and loving manner. I tried to acknowledge the person and their interests without completely agreeing that everything they had said about me was correct. I tried to show validation and appreciation for them and their opinions by expressing gratitude for their concern, appreciation for them taking the time to read my rantings, and let them know that everything is okay. That is the point of this post, understanding of each other and a reminder to be careful what you say to others, because we are powerful people, especially when we communicate. I wanted to help others understand where I and others have been coming from in our faith crisis' so that you better know how to help us. If you know our back story, if you know us, the help you provide will be much more specific and helpful. Lastly, the point is love, and always will be love. Love is the answer to everything. I still the love person who tried to help me, even if their words ended up hurting me. I know this person would only message me if they were truly trying to help, and that means a lot. We are all human though, and often we get offended or hurt OR BOTH without considering where a person is coming from. None of us is perfect, but we can try to be better.
The other night, when I was almost asleep, my phone went off. I had received a message. Now you don't need to know who it was from, or the specifics of the message, but what those words said hurt me. I knew that in revealing my sincere feelings and struggles I may not always receive kindness in return, and I still do not expect to, but it was a good reminder to me that I need to be careful with my words as well. I apologize if anything I say offends, and I want you to call me on the floor if I cross the line between discussing and pondering different ideas and paradigms, to directly insulting or criticizing who a person is. That message, and those words, hurt. I couldn't think about anything else for the next day. Now, I am sure that the sender had the noblest of intentions, and thought they were being helpful, and so I did my best to reply in a kind and sincere manner, expressing gratitude for their concern, but also being firm in my reply that I did not agree with what they had said, but that I still appreciated them. I know there were other things I could or may have wanted to say, but I knew they would not help the situation, they would only fuel it.
I reiterate what I said in my first post, and my post last Tuesday. We all are very different people with very different life frameworks. I want to make it clear, right here, and right now, not just for you, but for the person who wrote me that message, that I did not choose who I am today any more than I can choose the color of my eyes. I am who I am at this point, I cannot rewind the clock, I cannot change who I am. I also want you to know, I did not choose to lose my testimony. I am fighting extremely hard on a daily basis to try and continue on this journey without one, hoping that one day I can maybe gain something back.
I interact with individuals who have left the LDS faith on a daily basis. Some of them are my closest and dearest friends. When they were in their most fragile states, like me, they needed love and compassion and Christ-like understanding. What most of them received, and what I received the other night, were not helpful. They received harsh words telling them their lives were going to be miserable and unhappy if they did not repent. Most of them, like myself, have nothing to repent for, and most of them are happy. They live good lives, and are good people.
I know none of us have been unscathed by the last few years. By that I mean that people are leaving the church in droves. Don't believe me? Just think of the loved ones in your lives and how many of them have left. I can think of 15 people, yes, 15, who 10 years ago were all active and faithful members. Elder Marlin K Jensen said, "Maybe since Kirtland, we've never had a period of - I'll call it apostasy - like we're having now." Ever heard of the Swedish Rescue Mission? Google it. There was such a widespread issue in the stakes in Sweden that they sent two general authorities over to have a fireside with all of the stake presidents and bishops of the region to address historical and doctrinal issues.
I know many who read this blog have never listened to John Dehlin, but one of his podcasts may be helpful, and I am going to reference it. It was called, "Top 5 myths and truths about why committed Mormons leave the church." I am just going to summarize below, but if you want more detail, go check out that particular podcast, it was made for members to help understand why their friends and family are falling away. He surveyed over 3000 disaffected Mormons to ask them why they left, and in my experience in talking to others, these same items held true, and they hold true with why I am having my faith crisis as well. John Dehlin did this survey with members of the general authorities, and his data was presented to the 1st presidency. This survey is one of the reasons, not the only one, but one of the reasons, why we have the new essays on LDS.org.
THE MYTHS
- People do not typically leave the church because they are offended.
- People do not typically leave the church because they want to sin.
- (note: in the survey only 4% of people indicated one of the above two reasons for leaving)
- The person never had a testimony to begin with.
- (note: in Johns presentation he shows a chart with the demographics of the people surveyed, and it shows that the people questioning are people with great dedication to the church, it is a very interesting chart. Over 300 of the people surveyed had been in bishoprics, 264 were temple workers, many were high priests, relief society presidents, etc. 5 were stake presidents, and there were even a couple of general authorities surveyed who had lost their faith. These are people who had a testimony, there is no doubt)
- The person was lazy (stopped reading their scriptures, stopped attending church, praying, etc.)
- The person studied anti-Mormon literature.
THE TRUTHS
- Historical Issues
- Scientific Issues
- Doctrinal and Theological Issues
- Socio-political and cultural Issues
- Spiritual Issues
It has also not been my intention to turn this blog into another LDS/Spiritual blog, but that is the direction the last few discussions have led us. I still intend to focus on my original intentions of simply creating a space of acceptance and discussion of several ideas, but I have realized that many people are going to need to know where I am coming from, and a huge part of me is the LDS church. So, here is my story.
I had been a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for 26 years before I had my faith crisis. I relished giving talks in sacrament, I loved teaching as gospel doctrine teacher, I loved being a relief society teacher and secretary. I planned on serving a mission until I met Scott, and then stopped the processing of my papers to marry him instead. I was the first of my age group to get my Personal Progress completed, at the age of 15. I went to the temple to do baptisms often, and in college tried to go and do that regularly with friends. I tried to baptisms in several different temples in Utah one summer, successfully doing 7 in 2 weeks. When Scott and I were first married we would go to the temple every other week. Whenever he and I got in a fight, that is where I would go by myself to calm down and think. When we had kids it got harder to go to the temple, but I still made it there every other month. I have read the Book of Mormon cover to cover 5 times in my life, but read it and studied it nightly. I would study it from the Book of Mormon Sunday School class study guide and cross reference other scriptures. I would find Conference Talks that matched the section of the Book of Mormon I was currently studying. I had a thirst for spiritual knowledge and did everything I could to continue to build on that.
Last spring, in my continued thirst for knowledge, I read the book "Rough Stone Rolling," which is sold at Deseret Book, definitely not Anti-Mormon literature. There were items in that book that disturbed me, things that I had definitely never been taught, and things that showed that certain things I had been taught had actually not transpired that way. I was shocked, but tried to make sure that these items weren't being exaggerated. I then went to LDS.org and The Joseph Smith Papers to reference things I had read, and was heartbroken to realize that the items I had read in the book were true. It is funny, because some people can read the same book and be so uplifted, but for me, a person who Honesty and Integrity had been so important to, these untruths were unbearable. The thirteenth article of faith was my life creed. It still is, I am still a GOOD PERSON. I still follow every single thing I would have when I was a complete and faithful believer, nothing has changed except my testimony and struggling. Even if this journey eventually leads me out of the church like so many before me, I will still be the same person I am today, nothing will have changed. This is a scary thought for me, and a scary thought for those who love me I am sure, but it is still a possible looming outcome, and I don't think it does anyone any good to pretend that it isn't one of the 2 options that are down the road for me.
So, for me, John's study is extremely pertinent, I have struggled because of Truths 1 and 3. BUT, despite my struggling, I remain a member of the church. I have a calling that I love, a ward full of members that I love and who have been so wonderful and supportive of me in my journey, and a husband that supports my decision to stay even though he has no desire to. I want my children to be able to decide for themselves, and I love that Grayson gets so excited to go to Nursery. I believe that having a faith is important. That will never change. I believe there is a God who loves me and cares about me. I also believe he loves and cares for all his children, but that bad things happen, and that is just life. I DO NOT believe that my lack of faith will cause me to be miserable and punished by God. He knows that I love him and I am doing everything I can to seek him. People seem to expect me to be unhappy and miserable right now, but honestly, I have never felt happier. My husband and I have never had a stronger marriage. I have never been able to take each day and enjoy it for what it was as well as I have been able to this last year. While I still go to church, I am also branching out and trying other religions and ideas as well. I want to be a spiritual person, I want a relationship with God, and I need to test all avenues and make sure I am doing all I can to seek him.
I hope that this clears some things up for my well intended messenger the other night.
I also hope that this can help us all remember that our words are powerful, and before we use them in harsh or critical ways, we should probably know exactly who our audience is, or else we will be doing more harm than good.
Your other friends and family members who are struggling might not have the same story as me, but their story is still important, and worth knowing. Hearing their words, will help you in the use of yours. Your words will have more power and influence if you can understand your audience.
John Dehlin will probably be excommunicated from the church on Saturday. This is a disheartening turn of events for me, because he has been a lifeline for me through my struggles. His website www.staylds.org was a place I could go when I did not feel like I had anyone else to talk to. I do not know if I would be fighting as hard as I am to resolve my issues if it weren't for him. Whatever your feelings and opinions for him are, please know he has touched many lives, and I am so grateful for him and the work he has done.
Use your words carefully. Words like I heard the other night won't help me get to my destination any further, at least not to the one I hope to end up at. Before you judge another person, get to know them, know their story, and use your words in a Christ-like way.
You will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar ;)
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:
Please no one worry that they were the person who sent this message. It doesn't matter who sent it, and it does not matter what the message was. Please also understand that their words hurt, but they did not offend, and I still love the sender, and forgive them for what they said, even when I am sure they were trying to convey something else. Anyway, That was NOT the point of this post. This post was to remind us all that our words can hurt each other, to also show you where I am coming from as a person, and lastly, to help show that if you know a person's back story, you may treat them differently. You may not always be in a position to know a person's back story, but even if we do not have those details, we can still always try to assume that people are doing their best and trying to come from a place of love. I do not know the entire back story of the person who messaged me, but I did my best to apply my own advice when I responded to their message. I assumed they were coming from a place of love, and despite my hurt I tried to respond in a kind and loving manner. I tried to acknowledge the person and their interests without completely agreeing that everything they had said about me was correct. I tried to show validation and appreciation for them and their opinions by expressing gratitude for their concern, appreciation for them taking the time to read my rantings, and let them know that everything is okay. That is the point of this post, understanding of each other and a reminder to be careful what you say to others, because we are powerful people, especially when we communicate. I wanted to help others understand where I and others have been coming from in our faith crisis' so that you better know how to help us. If you know our back story, if you know us, the help you provide will be much more specific and helpful. Lastly, the point is love, and always will be love. Love is the answer to everything. I still the love person who tried to help me, even if their words ended up hurting me. I know this person would only message me if they were truly trying to help, and that means a lot. We are all human though, and often we get offended or hurt OR BOTH without considering where a person is coming from. None of us is perfect, but we can try to be better.
Monday, January 19, 2015
When we feel inadequate as a parent
So, before I start, lets make one thing clear. We are all human, and we all have opinions that sometimes make us, well, not the nicest. I have been guilty of judging another persons parenting before, and I think we all have done the same thing. I didn't tell it to the person, but I thought it, and I probably told my husband, which wasn't the nicest thing to do. That said, we are imperfect people on a journey to be better, right? So, that said, even when we don't hear others criticism, we are often our own worst critics. While I have no doubt others can make us feel inadequate, I know by comparing myself to others, I feel the worst.
Let me share some of the ways I have felt like the most inadequate and incompetent parent ever, and then I am going to tell you ways I have overcome these feelings.
TOE NAILS
I am horrible at remembering to trim my kids toe nails! Scott came to me the other day and Lyla's looked awful AND painful. They were peeling back you guys, and I felt like the worlds WORST mom as my daughter sat there screaming bloody murder as I tried to carefully trim the peeled back portions off. While Lylas grow out and up, Grayson's grow down and in. I can remember one time when he was probably 9 months that his toe nail was actually making an INDENT in his foot! I trimmed it and there was this fine little line where the toe nail had been sitting. WORST MOM EVER! Or that is how I felt at least.
CLOTHING
I will let my kids sometimes wear the same outfit 2-3 days in a row if it still looks clean. They sleep in it too. I always worry someone is going to notice my kids look the exact same from the day before and judge me for it.
EATING
My kids are the worlds pickiest, messiest and I am just going to say it, perhaps the worst eaters ever. Lyla just wants to throw her food on the floor, and I have often let her just eat it off the floor because that is where she wants to eat it (HORRIBLE Right?!). I do clean my floors once a week and vaccuum almost daily, but still, so so gross. My kids don't eat very healthy either, but I will say, I do try very hard to present them with options, they just don't eat them. My kids live on dairy and carbs, and occasionally fruit. I try to sneak pureed food in all the time, and Grayson's "Ice Cream" is frozen bananas, but despite my efforts, my kids don't eat how they should, they don't eat as often as they should, they don't eat when they should and won't sit at the table, they are up and out of their seat all the time. Lyla won't eat the food, but throws it on the floor, so we often still have to feed it to her, which stinks, I wish she could feed herself but she just makes a huge mess. I see other mom's, who all their kid wants to eat is a plate of Broccoli and go, "Wow, she is super mom." and I spiral downward.
NUMBER OF KIDS
I think I might stop here, with two kids. I used to get told all the time that I would have a brood, a basketball team of kids, and I used to believe that. But, I got one boy and one girl, and it just feels perfect. Sometimes I feel pressure that this is not enough, or when I tell people I am going to stop they say things like, "Really? I don't think you mean that, this is just a hard age." and they could be right, but knowing that I feel pretty serious about it I wonder, is it wrong for me to want to stop? This person seems to think that I will change my mind, meaning that obviously this must not be the best choice.
TECHNOLOGY
I worked as a full time mom without a Nanny for a long time, and I used technology as a crutch and sub in babysitter. Even now, since I only work evenings, I have used technology, and I feel awful about it. We watch TV at our house, sometimes even 4-5 hours a day depending on how hard of a day it is. Sometimes, it is the only way to keep my sanity. I see other moms making special crafts, or always having something to do with their kids to stave off the TV, and I wonder how they do it.
LOVING MOTHERHOOD
Sometimes, I hate being a mom. I see other women who talk about how it is their dream job, the best thing in the world and how happy they are. There are days where I have to control myself so hard not to slap Grayson. I have never, and will never do it, but I think about it, HARD. He can be so stubborn and difficult and you get to the point where you just don't know what to do. Being a mom is the hardest job ever, and some days, it is just hard to love it. I look at childless people and get Grass is Greener syndrome: They can go anywhere, do anything they want?! They don't have to change a screaming and kicking child's poopy diaper and get excrement all over their hands!? They don't have to watch Bob the Builder every day of their lives?!
Okay, so now that I have aired some of my worst laundry, here is how I counter these thoughts:
TOE NAILS
I forget toe nails. But I never forget to tell my kids I love them. In fact, I tell them every hour of the day. I make it a point to go in and whisper to my sleeping Grayson how special and wonderful he is, how much we love him. I shower my kids with smile and compliments and always always I love yous. Even after they have been put in time out, I try to find time in that moment to tell them I love you. I may cause my kids some minor physical pain by forgetting to trim their toe nails from time to time, but I will never cause them emotional pain and feelings of being unloved, and that is more important.
CLOTHING
So my kids have to wear the same outfit from time to time. Other kids around the world only have two outfits, others one, others none. I work hard at night to provide an extra income for our family, sacrificing sleep and fun so that my kids can have a good life. They have closets full of outfits and shoes and socks. They are never cold, even if they are wearing yesterdays clothing. We have a blessed life, not only because my husband works hard and sacrifices, but also because I work hard and sacrifice my free time not just to care for them, but also to work after they go to bed. That makes me a good mom, even if they don't always look "posh."
EATING
All I can say for this one is I try. I try I try I try, and sometimes as moms, that is all we can do. At some point, our kids have to take a little bit of the responsibility ;)
NUMBER OF KIDS AND TECHNOLOGY
I am going to lump these two together since my response to them is kind of the same. This is my life, I get to make the rules. You may not agree with them, and that is totally okay. What you need to know is I love my family, and I am doing the best I can. All of us have our crutches and our limits. This applies to me with the number of kids I will or will not have, and how often we as a family watch or use technology. With technology especially, I think back to my childhood, and I had quite a few shows I liked. I know that I watched the same movies over and over and watched TV every day after school, and I see nothing wrong with that. I think we give moms too hard a time over this issue. I am an intelligent woman, TV in no way stinted my growth or hurt me. If it lowered my intelligence I certainly didn't notice. AND when I look back on my childhood, I do remember TV, but I remember a WHOLE LOT more than that, and so will my kids. We take our kids out of the house at least 5 times a week. We go to parks, museums, restaurants. We do a lot in our house too, and our home is filled with a ton of laughter and love. So yeah, we watch TV 5 hours a day, we sleep 8 hours a day, the other 11 hours? Are spent laughing and hugging and loving and doing.
LOVING MOTHERHOOD
I love my life and wouldn't change it. Some days are hard, and I may not get the world's best mom award from any of you, but I think my kids would still give it to me. I may not always love being a mom, but I always love my kids. I can feel guilty about not being the worlds best mom, or I can tell myself, I am doing the best I can, and I think my kids can sense that, and doing our best is enough.
As long as you are doing your best, that is all that matters. We all have weaknesses and limitations. Often we focus on overcoming our weaknesses. My husband has introduced me to a different way of thinking, he says play to your strengths. Build on the things you are already good at, it is a better use of your time. Focus on your strengths. When you or someone else is ready to tear you down for being a bad mom, remind yourself of the good things you do, and I promise, there will be many.
Let me share some of the ways I have felt like the most inadequate and incompetent parent ever, and then I am going to tell you ways I have overcome these feelings.
TOE NAILS
I am horrible at remembering to trim my kids toe nails! Scott came to me the other day and Lyla's looked awful AND painful. They were peeling back you guys, and I felt like the worlds WORST mom as my daughter sat there screaming bloody murder as I tried to carefully trim the peeled back portions off. While Lylas grow out and up, Grayson's grow down and in. I can remember one time when he was probably 9 months that his toe nail was actually making an INDENT in his foot! I trimmed it and there was this fine little line where the toe nail had been sitting. WORST MOM EVER! Or that is how I felt at least.
CLOTHING
I will let my kids sometimes wear the same outfit 2-3 days in a row if it still looks clean. They sleep in it too. I always worry someone is going to notice my kids look the exact same from the day before and judge me for it.
EATING
My kids are the worlds pickiest, messiest and I am just going to say it, perhaps the worst eaters ever. Lyla just wants to throw her food on the floor, and I have often let her just eat it off the floor because that is where she wants to eat it (HORRIBLE Right?!). I do clean my floors once a week and vaccuum almost daily, but still, so so gross. My kids don't eat very healthy either, but I will say, I do try very hard to present them with options, they just don't eat them. My kids live on dairy and carbs, and occasionally fruit. I try to sneak pureed food in all the time, and Grayson's "Ice Cream" is frozen bananas, but despite my efforts, my kids don't eat how they should, they don't eat as often as they should, they don't eat when they should and won't sit at the table, they are up and out of their seat all the time. Lyla won't eat the food, but throws it on the floor, so we often still have to feed it to her, which stinks, I wish she could feed herself but she just makes a huge mess. I see other mom's, who all their kid wants to eat is a plate of Broccoli and go, "Wow, she is super mom." and I spiral downward.
NUMBER OF KIDS
I think I might stop here, with two kids. I used to get told all the time that I would have a brood, a basketball team of kids, and I used to believe that. But, I got one boy and one girl, and it just feels perfect. Sometimes I feel pressure that this is not enough, or when I tell people I am going to stop they say things like, "Really? I don't think you mean that, this is just a hard age." and they could be right, but knowing that I feel pretty serious about it I wonder, is it wrong for me to want to stop? This person seems to think that I will change my mind, meaning that obviously this must not be the best choice.
TECHNOLOGY
I worked as a full time mom without a Nanny for a long time, and I used technology as a crutch and sub in babysitter. Even now, since I only work evenings, I have used technology, and I feel awful about it. We watch TV at our house, sometimes even 4-5 hours a day depending on how hard of a day it is. Sometimes, it is the only way to keep my sanity. I see other moms making special crafts, or always having something to do with their kids to stave off the TV, and I wonder how they do it.
LOVING MOTHERHOOD
Sometimes, I hate being a mom. I see other women who talk about how it is their dream job, the best thing in the world and how happy they are. There are days where I have to control myself so hard not to slap Grayson. I have never, and will never do it, but I think about it, HARD. He can be so stubborn and difficult and you get to the point where you just don't know what to do. Being a mom is the hardest job ever, and some days, it is just hard to love it. I look at childless people and get Grass is Greener syndrome: They can go anywhere, do anything they want?! They don't have to change a screaming and kicking child's poopy diaper and get excrement all over their hands!? They don't have to watch Bob the Builder every day of their lives?!
Okay, so now that I have aired some of my worst laundry, here is how I counter these thoughts:
TOE NAILS
I forget toe nails. But I never forget to tell my kids I love them. In fact, I tell them every hour of the day. I make it a point to go in and whisper to my sleeping Grayson how special and wonderful he is, how much we love him. I shower my kids with smile and compliments and always always I love yous. Even after they have been put in time out, I try to find time in that moment to tell them I love you. I may cause my kids some minor physical pain by forgetting to trim their toe nails from time to time, but I will never cause them emotional pain and feelings of being unloved, and that is more important.
CLOTHING
So my kids have to wear the same outfit from time to time. Other kids around the world only have two outfits, others one, others none. I work hard at night to provide an extra income for our family, sacrificing sleep and fun so that my kids can have a good life. They have closets full of outfits and shoes and socks. They are never cold, even if they are wearing yesterdays clothing. We have a blessed life, not only because my husband works hard and sacrifices, but also because I work hard and sacrifice my free time not just to care for them, but also to work after they go to bed. That makes me a good mom, even if they don't always look "posh."
EATING
All I can say for this one is I try. I try I try I try, and sometimes as moms, that is all we can do. At some point, our kids have to take a little bit of the responsibility ;)
NUMBER OF KIDS AND TECHNOLOGY
I am going to lump these two together since my response to them is kind of the same. This is my life, I get to make the rules. You may not agree with them, and that is totally okay. What you need to know is I love my family, and I am doing the best I can. All of us have our crutches and our limits. This applies to me with the number of kids I will or will not have, and how often we as a family watch or use technology. With technology especially, I think back to my childhood, and I had quite a few shows I liked. I know that I watched the same movies over and over and watched TV every day after school, and I see nothing wrong with that. I think we give moms too hard a time over this issue. I am an intelligent woman, TV in no way stinted my growth or hurt me. If it lowered my intelligence I certainly didn't notice. AND when I look back on my childhood, I do remember TV, but I remember a WHOLE LOT more than that, and so will my kids. We take our kids out of the house at least 5 times a week. We go to parks, museums, restaurants. We do a lot in our house too, and our home is filled with a ton of laughter and love. So yeah, we watch TV 5 hours a day, we sleep 8 hours a day, the other 11 hours? Are spent laughing and hugging and loving and doing.
LOVING MOTHERHOOD
I love my life and wouldn't change it. Some days are hard, and I may not get the world's best mom award from any of you, but I think my kids would still give it to me. I may not always love being a mom, but I always love my kids. I can feel guilty about not being the worlds best mom, or I can tell myself, I am doing the best I can, and I think my kids can sense that, and doing our best is enough.
As long as you are doing your best, that is all that matters. We all have weaknesses and limitations. Often we focus on overcoming our weaknesses. My husband has introduced me to a different way of thinking, he says play to your strengths. Build on the things you are already good at, it is a better use of your time. Focus on your strengths. When you or someone else is ready to tear you down for being a bad mom, remind yourself of the good things you do, and I promise, there will be many.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Subjectivity of Truth
How do we define something as Good or Bad? True or Untrue? Is it black and white? Are our decisions based on facts or feelings? Are they based on our culture, our experience or something else? What influences us in the way we see the world and define things. Are there universal truths and definitions, or is everything far more subjective?
For instance, I listened to a podcast the other day on Beauty, and how we define and use the word beauty for many different things. Beautiful can be an expression that means, "perfect, good, etc." when used in the context that something was done to our standards. Beautiful can be a way to describe a landscape, a person, a piece of furniture or clothing, and even used to describe an event, like a wedding. All of these things I just listed are extremely different from one another, and yet we use the same word to describe a sort of acceptance or appreciation of them. However, Beauty is also subjective. One person can find something Beautiful and another person, well, could find it much less so.
Like Beauty is subjective, I believe Truth can also be subjective. For an example, lets use politics. It is amazing how I can believe, with all my heart, in one specific narrative, and the person next to me can believe just as much in the exact opposite of what I hold as a truth claim. Why is that?
One theory, is that our differences, you and me, in how we think and orient ourselves with the world, has to do with our brains. One Virginia Tech study found this exact thing with political affiliation. The MRI of a liberal and conservative brain were different. Scientists were able to accurately predict a persons leaning based on their MRI screening. Amazing, right? Liberals and Conservatives actually THOUGHT differently. Explains a lot about how we have issues understanding our opposites, right?
What does all of this have to do with us, here and today? If we are going to form a community of acceptance, we are all going to need to work on defining ourselves and each other in an accepting way. This can be difficult, especially when someone is so vastly different from us. Sometimes, when someone is different, we take it as a direct affront to who we are. We are insulted and get offended. I do not want to see that happen here. I need you all to begin to internalize the idea that just because someone is different, does not mean that we are not all equals, and we can coexist together happily, if we learn to lay aside our preconceived notions and definitions of who or what people or ideas are.
In my faith journey, I have had a lot of issues with people being concerned I think they are dumb for their beliefs. It is a natural way to feel when we are met with someone who thinks differently than we do. We assume they must think we are silly, why do we not define the world as they do? I want to go on the record and say, that I feel everyone has validation to feel and define the world as they wish, and often, as they must. I firmly believe we are all different, we all have different abilities and capacities that make us define things differently. Truth is very subjective, but often we want to say there is only one right way, there can only be one Truth, that is what makes it a Truth.
In this community, Truth is whatever you hold personally to be an accepted personal fact or belief. No one can or should take your truth away from you, and you will need to offer the same courtesy to others. I encourage lively and friendly debate, but there will never be a moment I allow intolerance or belittling of others beliefs. This needs to be a safe place to be ourselves. Let down your guard and embrace each other for who we are, learn to see through another persons eyes and try to understand how they see their world and their Truths.
I personally find it hard to quantify or prove truths. People firmly believed in the truth claim that the world was flat, until it was proven it was round. How can we know for certain our truth claims are correct? Advancements in science, health, psychology, etc. are constantly proving that the ways we have viewed the world in the past were somewhat lacking.
So I ask you, How can you know what you believe is Truth? Really? Think about it. This is a question I have mulled over and over in my mind as I have worked on my own personal beliefs. How can I ever know that what I am doing is right, that I have picked a correct path in life? That I am a moral person? I have, obviously, my own personal truth framework that has been carefully formed throughout my life by experiences, education, family, values, etc. But my framework is going to be very different from yours. So I ask again, what is Truth? Perhaps it is far more subjective and personal of a definition than we take it to be.
Because of this, I want everyone to keep in mind, in this community, that others will have different Truths from you. Just because someone is different, does not mean that you have to repel each other or feel inferior to one another. A person who is different simply has a different Truth framework from you. They have had a different life, perhaps a different brain or way of thinking, differences can be good if we find healthy ways to embrace them.
In the future I plan on bringing up some highly controversial topics or intense ways of looking at the world. It is not meant to offend anyone. It is not meant to alienate anyone. It is simply being put out there to be looked at, internalized, and help make you aware of how you define things. It will help us all become better at seeing how others define things, and becoming okay with that. I also hope it helps us see from anothers view in a comfortable way, and learn to accept them for who they are.
That said, I am curious if anyone has a good way they define Truth. Do you believe it to be as subjective as I do?
For instance, I listened to a podcast the other day on Beauty, and how we define and use the word beauty for many different things. Beautiful can be an expression that means, "perfect, good, etc." when used in the context that something was done to our standards. Beautiful can be a way to describe a landscape, a person, a piece of furniture or clothing, and even used to describe an event, like a wedding. All of these things I just listed are extremely different from one another, and yet we use the same word to describe a sort of acceptance or appreciation of them. However, Beauty is also subjective. One person can find something Beautiful and another person, well, could find it much less so.
Like Beauty is subjective, I believe Truth can also be subjective. For an example, lets use politics. It is amazing how I can believe, with all my heart, in one specific narrative, and the person next to me can believe just as much in the exact opposite of what I hold as a truth claim. Why is that?
One theory, is that our differences, you and me, in how we think and orient ourselves with the world, has to do with our brains. One Virginia Tech study found this exact thing with political affiliation. The MRI of a liberal and conservative brain were different. Scientists were able to accurately predict a persons leaning based on their MRI screening. Amazing, right? Liberals and Conservatives actually THOUGHT differently. Explains a lot about how we have issues understanding our opposites, right?
What does all of this have to do with us, here and today? If we are going to form a community of acceptance, we are all going to need to work on defining ourselves and each other in an accepting way. This can be difficult, especially when someone is so vastly different from us. Sometimes, when someone is different, we take it as a direct affront to who we are. We are insulted and get offended. I do not want to see that happen here. I need you all to begin to internalize the idea that just because someone is different, does not mean that we are not all equals, and we can coexist together happily, if we learn to lay aside our preconceived notions and definitions of who or what people or ideas are.
In my faith journey, I have had a lot of issues with people being concerned I think they are dumb for their beliefs. It is a natural way to feel when we are met with someone who thinks differently than we do. We assume they must think we are silly, why do we not define the world as they do? I want to go on the record and say, that I feel everyone has validation to feel and define the world as they wish, and often, as they must. I firmly believe we are all different, we all have different abilities and capacities that make us define things differently. Truth is very subjective, but often we want to say there is only one right way, there can only be one Truth, that is what makes it a Truth.
In this community, Truth is whatever you hold personally to be an accepted personal fact or belief. No one can or should take your truth away from you, and you will need to offer the same courtesy to others. I encourage lively and friendly debate, but there will never be a moment I allow intolerance or belittling of others beliefs. This needs to be a safe place to be ourselves. Let down your guard and embrace each other for who we are, learn to see through another persons eyes and try to understand how they see their world and their Truths.
I personally find it hard to quantify or prove truths. People firmly believed in the truth claim that the world was flat, until it was proven it was round. How can we know for certain our truth claims are correct? Advancements in science, health, psychology, etc. are constantly proving that the ways we have viewed the world in the past were somewhat lacking.
So I ask you, How can you know what you believe is Truth? Really? Think about it. This is a question I have mulled over and over in my mind as I have worked on my own personal beliefs. How can I ever know that what I am doing is right, that I have picked a correct path in life? That I am a moral person? I have, obviously, my own personal truth framework that has been carefully formed throughout my life by experiences, education, family, values, etc. But my framework is going to be very different from yours. So I ask again, what is Truth? Perhaps it is far more subjective and personal of a definition than we take it to be.
Because of this, I want everyone to keep in mind, in this community, that others will have different Truths from you. Just because someone is different, does not mean that you have to repel each other or feel inferior to one another. A person who is different simply has a different Truth framework from you. They have had a different life, perhaps a different brain or way of thinking, differences can be good if we find healthy ways to embrace them.
In the future I plan on bringing up some highly controversial topics or intense ways of looking at the world. It is not meant to offend anyone. It is not meant to alienate anyone. It is simply being put out there to be looked at, internalized, and help make you aware of how you define things. It will help us all become better at seeing how others define things, and becoming okay with that. I also hope it helps us see from anothers view in a comfortable way, and learn to accept them for who they are.
That said, I am curious if anyone has a good way they define Truth. Do you believe it to be as subjective as I do?
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
FIRST POST- My goals in creating this space
If you are reading this, let me first start by saying Thank You, and Welcome! I hope that this blog can serve as a wonderful outlet for us both. I am relying on your support and feedback to make this place the community I have envisioned.
I have grown up with technology, and by that I mean, I feel like technology as we know it, is my age, we grew up together. When I was a baby, so was technology, and that was when my dad got his first computer, a green screen, the kind you played Oregon Trail on in elementary school. I played on AOL as a 8 year old (the great dial up speed would be so frustrating now), got my first phone when I was 16, (it was a very basic phone, 100 minutes per month plan, no texting, and snake was the only game) and joined Myspace in high school (don't make me mad or you may not make my top 8, ha ha). Facebook was just a brand new thing when I first joined in college, it was an interface for college students only, and it was a fraction of what it is now. I have started various personal blogs throughout my life, including private journals that I no longer have passwords to and have been lost in cyber space indefinitely (oops...). The first I ever started was when I was 16, I had just moved from Washington to Utah and had found out the "love of my life" had gone to EFY and met a girl, (sob sob, such a heartbreak. ALSO, if you don't know what EFY is, it is a Summer Youth Program for 14-18 year olds who are members of the LDS (Mormon) Church).
Needless to say, today technology is really what connects us all, and I have seen it evolve over my lifetime into what it is now, just as I have seen myself evolve into who I am now. I will continue to evolve, and so will the communities on the internet. I feel that many have been able to use the internet as a source for great good. However, I have found, especially over the last year, that I have a hard time fitting in to any one community, including online communities. My goal of this blog is to fill that void, and create a niche for everyone, but for women in particular.
This blog is about reality, honesty and life. It is about making the most of every day, seeking self discovery and betterment, finding a place where you can be accepted and loved and learning to be that for others as well. It is about learning, loss, joy, health, family, but most importantly about being realistic, and learning how to be happy in a true and pure way.
This won't be your prettiest blog, that is not my intention, so I apologize for the poor design elements, if you are artsy in a technological way, I truly envy you. My focus and efforts will be placed in thoughts, ideas and the written word. I will have photos occasionally to accompany these words, but the idea here is to create friendships across many different lives that already exist, not the life you wish you had.
In a world consumed by Hollywood ideals of beauty, Pinterest ideas of motherhood, and Facebook perceptions of reality, it is time to come clean and just be ourselves. Be honest with each other, love each other for who we are, and embrace each day as a special gift, embracing the life you have been given and learning to love it. I hope you will join me on this journey, I look forward to meeting you, growing with you, and becoming your sister in life.
I have grown up with technology, and by that I mean, I feel like technology as we know it, is my age, we grew up together. When I was a baby, so was technology, and that was when my dad got his first computer, a green screen, the kind you played Oregon Trail on in elementary school. I played on AOL as a 8 year old (the great dial up speed would be so frustrating now), got my first phone when I was 16, (it was a very basic phone, 100 minutes per month plan, no texting, and snake was the only game) and joined Myspace in high school (don't make me mad or you may not make my top 8, ha ha). Facebook was just a brand new thing when I first joined in college, it was an interface for college students only, and it was a fraction of what it is now. I have started various personal blogs throughout my life, including private journals that I no longer have passwords to and have been lost in cyber space indefinitely (oops...). The first I ever started was when I was 16, I had just moved from Washington to Utah and had found out the "love of my life" had gone to EFY and met a girl, (sob sob, such a heartbreak. ALSO, if you don't know what EFY is, it is a Summer Youth Program for 14-18 year olds who are members of the LDS (Mormon) Church).
Needless to say, today technology is really what connects us all, and I have seen it evolve over my lifetime into what it is now, just as I have seen myself evolve into who I am now. I will continue to evolve, and so will the communities on the internet. I feel that many have been able to use the internet as a source for great good. However, I have found, especially over the last year, that I have a hard time fitting in to any one community, including online communities. My goal of this blog is to fill that void, and create a niche for everyone, but for women in particular.
This blog is about reality, honesty and life. It is about making the most of every day, seeking self discovery and betterment, finding a place where you can be accepted and loved and learning to be that for others as well. It is about learning, loss, joy, health, family, but most importantly about being realistic, and learning how to be happy in a true and pure way.
This won't be your prettiest blog, that is not my intention, so I apologize for the poor design elements, if you are artsy in a technological way, I truly envy you. My focus and efforts will be placed in thoughts, ideas and the written word. I will have photos occasionally to accompany these words, but the idea here is to create friendships across many different lives that already exist, not the life you wish you had.
In a world consumed by Hollywood ideals of beauty, Pinterest ideas of motherhood, and Facebook perceptions of reality, it is time to come clean and just be ourselves. Be honest with each other, love each other for who we are, and embrace each day as a special gift, embracing the life you have been given and learning to love it. I hope you will join me on this journey, I look forward to meeting you, growing with you, and becoming your sister in life.
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