Powerful Words and My Mormon Story

Words have power. Ask any literary genius and they would tell you the same. Words have the power to change the most stubborn of minds. They have the power to form world changing ideas and start revolutions. Our words also have the ability to tear a person down and hurt them more than we could in almost any other way. I have heard it takes five good things said about a person to make up for one bad thing said, because people remember and cling to negative things more easily, it just stings more. I apologize, I have no reference for this, so feel free to look it up and correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds right in my head :)

The other night, when I was almost asleep, my phone went off. I had received a message. Now you don't need to know who it was from, or the specifics of the message, but what those words said hurt me. I knew that in revealing my sincere feelings and struggles I may not always receive kindness in return, and I still do not expect to, but it was a good reminder to me that I need to be careful with my words as well. I apologize if anything I say offends, and I want you to call me on the floor if I cross the line between discussing and pondering different ideas and paradigms, to directly insulting or criticizing who a person is. That message, and those words, hurt. I couldn't think about anything else for the next day. Now, I am sure that the sender had the noblest of intentions, and thought they were being helpful, and so I did my best to reply in a kind and sincere manner, expressing gratitude for their concern, but also being firm in my reply that I did not agree with what they had said, but that I still appreciated them. I know there were other things I could or may have wanted to say, but I knew they would not help the situation, they would only fuel it.

I reiterate what I said in my first post, and my post last Tuesday. We all are very different people with very different life frameworks. I want to make it clear, right here, and right now, not just for you, but for the person who wrote me that message, that I did not choose who I am today any more than I can choose the color of my eyes. I am who I am at this point, I cannot rewind the clock, I cannot change who I am. I also want you to know, I did not choose to lose my testimony. I am fighting extremely hard on a daily basis to try and continue on this journey without one, hoping that one day I can maybe gain something back. 

I interact with individuals who have left the LDS faith on a daily basis. Some of them are my closest and dearest friends. When they were in their most fragile states, like me, they needed love and compassion and Christ-like understanding. What most of them received, and what I received the other night, were not helpful. They received harsh words telling them their lives were going to be miserable and unhappy if they did not repent. Most of them, like myself, have nothing to repent for, and most of them are happy. They live good lives, and are good people. 

I know none of us have been unscathed by the last few years. By that I mean that people are leaving the church in droves. Don't believe me? Just think of the loved ones in your lives and how many of them have left. I can think of 15 people, yes, 15, who 10 years ago were all active and faithful members. Elder Marlin K Jensen said, "Maybe since Kirtland, we've never had a period of - I'll call it apostasy - like we're having now." Ever heard of the Swedish Rescue Mission? Google it. There was such a widespread issue in the stakes in Sweden that they sent two general authorities over to have a fireside with all of the stake presidents and bishops of the region to address historical and doctrinal issues.

I know many who read this blog have never listened to John Dehlin, but one of his podcasts may be helpful, and I am going to reference it. It was called, "Top 5 myths and truths about why committed Mormons leave the church." I am just going to summarize below, but if you want more detail, go check out that particular podcast, it was made for members to help understand why their friends and family are falling away. He surveyed over 3000 disaffected Mormons to ask them why they left, and in my experience in talking to others, these same items held true, and they hold true with why I am having my faith crisis as well.  John Dehlin did this survey with members of the general authorities, and his data was presented to the 1st presidency. This survey is one of the reasons, not the only one, but one of the reasons, why we have the new essays on LDS.org.

THE MYTHS

• People do not typically leave the church because they are offended.
• People do not typically leave the church because they want to sin.
• (note: in the survey only 4% of people indicated one of the above two reasons for leaving)
• The person never had a testimony to begin with.
• (note: in Johns presentation he shows a chart with the demographics of the people surveyed, and it shows that the people questioning are people with great dedication to the church, it is a very interesting chart. Over 300 of the people surveyed had been in bishoprics, 264 were temple workers,  many were high priests, relief society presidents, etc. 5 were stake presidents, and there were even a couple of general authorities surveyed who had lost their faith. These are people who had a testimony, there is no doubt)
• The person was lazy (stopped reading their scriptures, stopped attending church, praying, etc.)
• The person studied anti-Mormon literature.

THE TRUTHS

• Historical Issues
• Scientific Issues
• Doctrinal and Theological Issues
• Socio-political and cultural Issues
• Spiritual Issues

John lists specifics in the above lists, and if you want to check out his presentation you can find those there, but I will not list them here. It has never been my goal to bring anyone down with me. I refuse to talk about the specifics of the issues that bother me with anyone who is not positive that they can handle hearing them. 

It has also not been my intention to turn this blog into another LDS/Spiritual blog, but that is the direction the last few discussions have led us. I still intend to focus on my original intentions of simply creating a space of acceptance and discussion of several ideas, but I have realized that many people are going to need to know where I am coming from, and a huge part of me is the LDS church. So, here is my story. 

I had been a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for 26 years before I had my faith crisis. I relished giving talks in sacrament, I loved teaching as gospel doctrine teacher, I loved being a relief society teacher and secretary. I planned on serving a mission until I met Scott, and then stopped the processing of my papers to marry him instead. I was the first of my age group to get my Personal Progress completed, at the age of 15. I went to the temple to do baptisms often, and in college tried to go and do that regularly with friends. I tried to baptisms in several different temples in Utah one summer, successfully doing 7 in 2 weeks. When Scott and I were first married we would go to the temple every other week. Whenever he and I got in a fight, that is where I would go by myself to calm down and think. When we had kids it got harder to go to the temple, but I still made it there every other month. I have read the Book of Mormon cover to cover 5 times in my life, but read it and studied it nightly. I would study it from the Book of Mormon Sunday School class study guide and cross reference other scriptures. I would find Conference Talks that matched the section of the Book of Mormon I was currently studying. I had a thirst for spiritual knowledge and did everything I could to continue to build on that. 

Last spring, in my continued thirst for knowledge, I read the book "Rough Stone Rolling," which is sold at Deseret Book, definitely not Anti-Mormon literature. There were items in that book that disturbed me, things that I had definitely never been taught, and things that showed that certain things I had been taught had actually not transpired that way. I was shocked, but tried to make sure that these items weren't being exaggerated. I then went to LDS.org and The Joseph Smith Papers to reference things I had read, and was heartbroken to realize that the items I had read in the book were true. It is funny, because some people can read the same book and be so uplifted, but for me, a person who Honesty and Integrity had been so important to, these untruths were unbearable. The thirteenth article of faith was my life creed. It still is, I am still a GOOD PERSON. I still follow every single thing I would have when I was a complete and faithful believer, nothing has changed except my testimony and struggling. Even if this journey eventually leads me out of the church like so many before me, I will still be the same person I am today, nothing will have changed. This is a scary thought for me, and a scary thought for those who love me I am sure, but it is still a possible looming outcome, and I don't think it does anyone any good to pretend that it isn't one of the 2 options that are down the road for me.

So, for me, John's study is extremely pertinent, I have struggled because of Truths 1 and 3. BUT, despite my struggling, I remain a member of the church. I have a calling that I love, a ward full of members that I love and who have been so wonderful and supportive of me in my journey, and a husband that supports my decision to stay even though he has no desire to. I want my children to be able to decide for themselves, and I love that Grayson gets so excited to go to Nursery. I believe that having a faith is important. That will never change. I believe there is a God who loves me and cares about me. I also believe he loves and cares for all his children, but that bad things happen, and that is just life. I DO NOT believe that my lack of faith will cause me to be miserable and punished by God. He knows that I love him and I am doing everything I can to seek him. People seem to expect me to be unhappy and miserable right now, but honestly, I have never felt happier. My husband and I have never had a stronger marriage. I have never been able to take each day and enjoy it for what it was as well as I have been able to this last year. While I still go to church, I am also branching out and trying other religions and ideas as well. I want to be a spiritual person, I want a relationship with God, and I need to test all avenues and make sure I am doing all I can to seek him.

I hope that this clears some things up for my well intended messenger the other night. 

I also hope that this can help us all remember that our words are powerful, and before we use them in harsh or critical ways, we should probably know exactly who our audience is, or else we will be doing more harm than good.

Your other friends and family members who are struggling might not have the same story as me, but their story is still important, and worth knowing. Hearing their words, will help you in the use of yours. Your words will have more power and influence if you can understand your audience. 

John Dehlin will probably be excommunicated from the church on Saturday. This is a disheartening turn of events for me, because he has been a lifeline for me through my struggles. His website www.staylds.org was a place I could go when I did not feel like I had anyone else to talk to. I do not know if I would be fighting as hard as I am to resolve my issues if it weren't for him. Whatever your feelings and opinions for him are, please know he has touched many lives, and I am so grateful for him and the work he has done.

Use your words carefully. Words like I heard the other night won't help me get to my destination any further, at least not to the one I hope to end up at. Before you judge another person, get to know them, know their story, and use your words in a Christ-like way. 

You will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar ;)

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:

Please no one worry that they were the person who sent this message. It doesn't matter who sent it, and it does not matter what the message was. Please also understand that their words hurt, but they did not offend, and I still love the sender, and forgive them for what they said, even when I am sure they were trying to convey something else. Anyway, That was NOT the point of this post. This post was to remind us all that our words can hurt each other, to also show you where I am coming from as a person, and lastly, to help show that if you know a person's back story, you may treat them differently. You may not always be in a position to know a person's back story, but even if we do not have those details, we can still always try to assume that people are doing their best and trying to come from a place of love. I do not know the entire back story of the person who messaged me, but I did my best to apply my own advice when I responded to their message. I assumed they were coming from a place of love, and despite my hurt I tried to respond in a kind and loving manner. I tried to acknowledge the person and their interests without completely agreeing that everything they had said about me was correct. I tried to show validation and appreciation for them and their opinions by expressing gratitude for their concern, appreciation for them taking the time to read my rantings, and let them know that everything is okay. That is the point of this post, understanding of each other and a reminder to be careful what you say to others, because we are powerful people, especially when we communicate. I wanted to help others understand where I and others have been coming from in our faith crisis' so that you better know how to help us. If you know our back story, if you know us, the help you provide will be much more specific and helpful. Lastly, the point is love, and always will be love. Love is the answer to everything. I still the love person who tried to help me, even if their words ended up hurting me. I know this person would only message me if they were truly trying to help, and that means a lot. We are all human though, and often we get offended or hurt OR BOTH without considering where a person is coming from. None of us is perfect, but we can try to be better.